1. Play the Game

Doug Bradley waits in Clive Barker's large and humid office. He doesn't know why he was called from the Dimension Films lobby. He wonders as Clive is in his back room, getting something. "Here you are, Doug," Clive said, handing him a box. "This is a beta copy of our new Hellrasier video game. Take pleasure in it." Doug walks excitedly away to his car and hurries home like some child who won a spelling bee. Doug walks in, pets his dog and turns on his computer. Doug walks away to his bedroom to check his messages on the answering machine. No messages, he thought, Very strange today. I usually have 15 on this machine every day since '92, what happened?

He comes back to the computer with a cold leftover bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and an RC Cola. He inserts the CD into the drive and installs the game on his computer. While installing the game, a message from the anti-virus software states on the monitor that the program needs to change the Autoexec.bat, Config.sys, Win.ini, and system.ini files. He presses OK and continues. A blue screen with an error message comes on the screen. He presses "Continue" instead of "Repair". The installation finishes and Doug puts on his headgear. Immediately, he chooses to be Pinhead in the game (since that's his character in Hellrasier, anyhow!) He saves the game, closes out, and shuts the ringer off the phones, takes his dog to the local boarding house, locks all the doors, shuts all the windows, anything possible to be isolated from the rest of the world, and continues his (little) game where it left off.

2.What th-

"I don't know," Clive says, talking to his wife on the phone. "I left 20 messages on his................ I know honey, I don't know for certain..................I gave him a game and I never seen him since and that was 3 weeks ago...ok, bye. I love you."

Clive hangs up the phone, sits on his chairs, and stares blankly at the Lament Configuration prop he uses as a paperweight. Suddenly, out of a long silence of staring at that box he looked at a zillion times, the secretary blares out the speakerphone "Mr. Barker, you have a call on line 3." "Ok", he responds and picks up the phone. "Hello?"

Clive hears laughing in the earpiece and finally stops after 3 seconds. "Hello, Clive!" the person answers. Clive knew right away it was Doug because he knows that laughter and voice anywhere.

"What do you want?"

"I came to tell you that I am in Hell!"

"C'mon, Doug, it's just a movie!"

"Oh, it's not."

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"Whatever are you talking about?"

"I left 20 messages on your machine, the grass on your lawn is up to my ass, your dog's boarding house bill is $500, and your house looks like that house straight out of the Addams Family!! This is not a joke! Where are you and where are you calling from?"

"From Hell, stupid. Remember the game you gave me? Well, I am in the video game and-"

"There aren't any telephones in Hell, dumbass!!!!!!!! So how did you get a phone?"

"Does a cell phone ring any bells?"

"Oh, no wonder I have a 666-666-6666 number on my caller ID!"

"See you later, Clive!"

"Wait, I can-"

A dial tone rings out on the handset speaker. He hangs up the phone. He sits and deeply sighs. I don't know what I'm gonna do, he thought, I am not sure. He looks in his Rolodex and dials a number. "Hello? Holly Help?"

3. Yell Help!

I walk in this weird looking office. I see a note saying, "Back in a few, Xeroxing something" on the chair. I get startled by Mr. Barker walking in, with a bunch of Xeroxed papers and sitting down. As I sit in this chair, let me tell you about myself. I am Anthony Matthew Rustino, but some call me Anthony Rust. Yeah, it's a good life. Got a blue '79 Ferrari 308 in the parking lot, got a great house, and single.Born and raised in Queens, but I now live in Massapequa on Long Island, I was always a streetwise kid. That explains my attitude problem. I work for a company who helps big movie stars, directors, writers, etc. called Holly Help. I get paid $175,000/year for, I think I already told you this crap already. So, here I am!

"Wot can I do fer ya, Mr. Barker?" I asked.

"Well," he began, "my associate, Doug Bradley, is stuck in a video game I let him have. He's stuck being his own character he plays all the time on the soundstage here in Dimension Films New York. "

"An' what is that precisely?"

"Pinhead!"

"Oh, y'mean from dose Hellrasier movies?"

"Yessir."

"Okay. Wot do you want me ta do?"

"Stop him. Doug Bradley as Pinhead in the real world is a grave danger to all humanity, as we know it! He can commit unspeakable acts that I never intended in any of my Hellrasier movies. He can kill everything, overthrow countries, plunge America in total anarchy, have the National Anthem changed to Bauhaus'`Bela Lugosi's Dead', make President Clinton marry Mon-"

"Dude, I dink I get da point! Where do you dink he is now?"

"Well......... by know he should be at the office building where Smithee shot the 1996 segment for Hellrasier: Bloodline."

"Why dat dinghy old place?"

"I remember in Mr. Atkins' script where `he wants to open the gates of hell...forever'"

"See ya! I'm not going there!"

"Would you go if I add $450 an hour to your payment for you, as a bonus?"

"Alright! You win! I jus' can't get over da power of money!"

I get up, go to the parking lot, start the car and drive off.

4. Here I am, come and get me!

I arrived at the building where Clive was shooting the film and inserted the key that Clive gave me in the back door. I pushed hard. I feel to the ground and got up, unhurt. I walked up the fire escape. I smelt something burning, like French toast. I turn the corner and....

Whoa! It those kids from South Park! How the hell did they... maybe I better lay off that Sanka I'm drinking every morning since last week. I approach them with a friendly: "Hey, what's up?"

"Excuse me, mister," Stan said as he stood up (he stood up as if he were controlled by some Popsicle stick) "But we're stuck and we decided to fool around here in the fire escape cause we didn't have anything else to do. And we can't get out!"

"Wot da ya talkin' about?" I answered, "Can't get outta what?"

"This 7th Floor door, damnit!" Cartman yelled, as he spilt some cheese poofs. "It's locked!"

"Well, I gotta gun. Maybe we can blow da door knob off!"

"Good idea!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Stand back! And cover your ears!"

I shot a single cartridge of bullets on that door and it finally broke. I then opened the door. A dense quiet was around the hall, dead people hung from the ceilings, but I can vaguely hear some people talking and music playing.

"Kenny," Cartman whispered, "go see what's down that hall, we'll be right behind you."

"Mmmmmmpfhhh!" He answered (That is: Okay. I'll go! You always make me go, fat boy!)

I followed behind the gang. To me, this was pretty fucked, like a Who Framed Roger Rabbit sort of ordeal.(cartoons! I'm talking to construction paper here!) Kenny turned the corner to see a bunch of Goths from hell dancing (eating, moping the floor with the blood of people they have already killed) to some crap heard throughout Manhattan's seedy dance clubs. Stan silently walked over to the power breaker in this small room the size of a broom closet. He shuts off the power to the stereo, lights, etc. I took a cheap, battery operated smoke machine from that room and used it to create some dark, misty effect. I reemerged from the smoke to see most of the cast of Hellrasier in the midst of a cenobite costume party. Although, it appealed to me that this didn't look like the work of Hollywood makeup artists, it looked REAL. Kenny walked over to this dog I read about:they called it a Chatterer Beast (?). Kenny kindly pets it and the dog takes Kenny's arm and shakes him back and forth like a rag doll. Kenny died.

"Oh my god! The Chatterer Beast killed Kenny!" "You basterd!"

"Alright!!!!!!" Cartman yelled, signifying that he had enough of this. "You killed Kenny. Well, take this, bad dog!" Cartman hits the mutt's head with a wooden baseball bat about two times and it growls at him. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screams as he runs down the hall. "Run! Fat boy! Run!" some cenobites cheered as I can see Cartman run down the stairs and hear him fall down them.

I approach Pinhead (or should I say Doug), knocked him out, approached some empty room and closed the doors as security guards from out of nowhere start beating the cenobites up! That was probably the last I have seen of those South Park kids.

5. Just do it!

Pinhead came to when he realized where he was. "Good morning Mr. Sunshine," I said sarcastically, "time ta get up!"

"What? What happened?" The dork began as I took a sip of coffee.

"Mr. Bradley. I really have ta tell ya sumthin that will come to a complete shock ta you: dat you are not really standing here, and two, ya not in dat state."

"Oh, really. Then where am I, smarty pants?"

"You are at yer plush Staten Island mansion on a computer game Clive gave you approximately 3 1/2 weeks ago. Doug, dis is not a game! Some how, yer game made it possible ta transfer from yer small virtual reality ta dis, pure reality. I don't know, dere's probably a small bug in it. Now, I would like to letcha know that you cannot hurt me in anyway shape or form cause I have a special device hooked somewhere on my body where ya can't find it! I can hurt you because only Clive and I know about dis. We need some fresh air, why don'tcha go open dat door?"

"I refuse to open that door!"

I pull out a small Uzi and put the barrel under his jaw. He was surprised.

"Okay," he replied, sheepishly, "You don't need to be rude. I'll open it."

Doug opens the door to see Clive.

"Clive?" he exclaims as he back up to let Clive in.

"Hi, Doug. How's it going?"

"Okay."

"It's great here in reality. If you don't come back to reality, I guess I'm going to have to fire you. Goodbye" And with that, he walked out the door.

"Doug, do ya believe me?" I asked.

"No!"

"You're paranoid! You dink the whole worlds out to getcha. Well, I'm sorry, it's different in the real world cause I can beatcha up!"

"How?"

"Right now! I wanna see how tuff you can fuckin' be! C'mon!"

I gave him a nice left hook in his face (even before he can hit me) and he fell down, like a ton of weak bricks. He moaned on the ground as I approached a mini-bar. "Bartendar!" I hollered, "Budweiser, in a bottle." This gay looking cenobite approaches me with a bottle of Bud. I opened the top and began drinking. Pinhead got up and his nose was bleeding. I knew he was coming, so I then said aloud:" You don't really give up quite easily, do ya?" I elbowed him and he let out a large "Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!" and fell down again. I got up from the bar stool and picked him up, asking him, "Ya always wanted ta learn how ta fly. Well, taday's da day ya fly! I'm gonna give ya a crash course in flying!!" I picked him up by the hands and began to swing him in a circle, like a mother swinging her 5- year old son in their own backyard. He cried "No! Stop!!" I went into maniacal laughter as I finally let go after a minute or so. He flew like Superman in the takeoff position into a large window that led to another office. The glass shattered as he flew right on the desk. A bunch of neon lights fell from the glass and broke the minute they hit the floor. I then turned my attention outside as I heard yelling, screaming and glass breaking. Omigod! I thought. They're looting the Boot Barn! And the record shop, and the McDonald's! I better get down there. I opened the door and I see Cartman, with dried blue junk on his face. "You ok?" I asked him. "That was a pretty tough job!" he responded, in a very exhausted way. "But they didn't learn to respect my authoritay!!!!!" I laughed a bit and then said, "Watch that man in the office and make sure he doesn't get up! I'll be back in five minutes!" I hand him my gun. "10-4!" the fat boy said as he walked over for a sip of my beer.

6. Total Mayhem

I walk outside of the building to see people turning over police cars, destroying everything, looting pawn shops, stealing new cars off the lot, robbing banks...I guess by now you do get the picture. I was starving and I haven't had a bite since dinner. So, I walked in a 7-Eleven and grabbed myself 8 pieces of fried chicken left in the broken case and dumped them in a bag; a extra large Slurpee; bags of Fritos, Funnyons, and Doritos; and took a Playboy and a Penthouse magazine from the back counter and walked out like nothing happened. I ran back upstairs to find Cartman still standing where I left him when I went down stairs. Doug (or should I say Pinhead) picked himself up off the desk, walked towards me, and fell down.

7. Comfortably Numb

I started to unload the stuff from the 7-Eleven. Cartman snuck up on the table, slid the Penthouse toward him, and ran off with it without me knowing (I knew that later on) . Doug still laid there on the floor, unconscious. I took a sip from my Mountain Dew-flavored ice and had a chicken leg. I stared at that black figure passed out on the floor. I then watched Doug shake like some hologram being shut off in that movie- what was the name of it? Oh yeah! Total Recall! I turned to check the time and he vanished. "Cartman!" I yelled. "Is dere anybody here?" The entire room was now a conference room lit up as if ready for a presentation. I looked out and everything looked exactly the way it was when I got here to open the door.

8. Epilogue

I went back to Dimension Films to pick up Clive and go to Staten Island (during his lunch break). We arrived there at the house he told me "looked like that house right out of the Addams Family." It wasn't. The house was normal again, the lawn was mowed, and the dog ran happily in the yard. I parked the car in the driveway and we walked up a small flight of wooden stairs. I rang the bell. No response. Clive and I ran to the back door and opened it. He and I ran in the living room to Doug, who was passed out on the couch. He looked pale, as if his brain was fried from something. I started to slap him around. Clive noticed that Doug wasn't Pinhead anymore and he smiled. Doug's eye's opened and let out a "What are you guys doing here? What happened?" "Doug," I said, "you were Pinhead for 3 weeks. You almost messed up the world!"

"Yes," Clive chimed in, "and Kosovo was going to start World War 3, according to CNN!"

"People looted the stores, the McDonald's, 7-Eleven, the Mercedes Benz dealership, everything." I added.

"The Presidential marriage of President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was almost going to happen." Clive said.

"I think I get your points. I'm just glad I'm back here, in the real world."

"Doug," I asked, "do you remember anything about your trip?"

"Not quite." He answered in his Pinhead-like voice.