Copyright © 2004

A Simpsons script by

Eric H. Lucas

Based on characters and situations created by:

Matt Groening

Clive Barker

Gene Roddenberry

George Lucas

EXT: Looking up from street, through gates, at stately Burns Mansion. All of the lights are out in the mansion save one on the upper story.

CAPTION 1: Somewhere between heaven and hell there lies a doorway to pleasures unbound. An experience beyond all experience…

EXT: Zoom in on the single lit window.

CAPTION 2: But the key to that door extracts a mighty toll. A price, so to speak, which most mortals can not afford to, or would not be willing to, pay.

EXT: Right up against the glass of the window. Inside there is a large chair with its back to the window. Across from the chair the crackling fire in the hearth provides the only light source.

CAPTION 3: Solve the puzzle box and obtain the key. Use the key to unlock the door and from that moment on you shall forever be wed to your darkest nightmares or, perhaps, your most pleasurable dreams. Open the door, mortal, and unleash the horror of…

HOMER-RAISER

INT: Mr. Burns’ elaborate and exotic private study.

Close up of Mr. Burns’ face as he is obsessively trying to solve a puzzle box (you don’t see the box yet).

MR. BURNS (standing triumphantly)

Huzzah!

Smithers peeks his head into the doorway.

SMITHERS
Solve the box already, sir? Must be a new record.

MR. BURNS (Modestly…and looking a tad disheveled)

Oh, Smithers, you flatter me. But yes…all to easy!

SMITHERS
I must say I’m impressed, sir.

MR. BURNS
Ah yes. I have taken Sir Rubik’s challenge and it is I who have emerged triumphant!

Mr. Burns holds up the box to show Smithers.

All six sides of the box are black.

SMITHERS
Ummm…sir. Wasn’t that a Rubik’s cube? What happened to the colo…

MR. BURNS
Nevermind that, Smithers. Fetch me another puzzle pronto!

Smithers dares a quick glance at Mr. Burns’ feet and sees a pile of small, multicolored, squares.

SMITHERS
Yes sir. Right away.

INT: Smithers is sitting at Mr. Burns’ computer. Mr Burns is looking over Smithers’ shoulder.

CLOSE UP: Computer screen.

O-Bay online Auction site.

Lament Configuration puzzle box. Also known as the Lemarchand’s box. RARE! Only one in existence. No instructions.

Current Bid: $100,000.00

SMITHERS
What about this one, sir?

Mr. BURNS
Hmmm… How much?

SMITHERS
It says current bid is one hundred thousand dollars, sir? That’s a little steep don’t you think?

MR. BURNS
Nonsense! Money is no object, you gutless lackey! I have just the right credit card to win such an auction.

Mr. Burns hands Smithers a credit card.

The card has a picture of Mr. Burns’ face in the upper left hand corner.

To the left of the picture in bold type reads:

LUCIFER INTERNATIONAL BANK
CREDIT CARD

Beneath the picture and the bank name:

Max Value: ONE HUMAN SOUL

Number: 666-666-666-666

C. Montgomery Burns

MR. BURNS
Use this!

INT: Comic Book Guy’s Bedroom. The room is illuminated only by a computer screen.

The Comic Book Guy sitting in front of his computer and is online. He is in his pajamas and holding a Jar Jar Binks doll as he looks at the same O-Bay site that Mr. Burns and Smithers are on.

The screen is flashing:

‘AUCTION OVER’

COMIC BOOK GUY
Doh! I’ve been outbid yet again. Not only does it seem that I will never experience the pleasures of this world, but now I’ve been denied the pleasures of hell as well. Thank goodness I have you Jar Jar.

INT: Mansion attic. Creepy atmosphere. Dimly lit by candles.

Mr. Burns is sitting, shirtless, in the middle of a square of burning candles. In his hands he is furiously trying to figure out the solution to the box.

A ‘click’ is heard coming from the box. Mr. Burns smiles.

The box opens and chains, each with sharp hooks on their ends, come streaking out.

Close up of the hooks tearing into Mr. Burns’ flesh.

MR. BURNS (Screaming out in agony).

YAARRGHhhhhhh…

Fade to black

INT: Mansion attic. Same as before, but this time blood and guts are splattered about the room.

A large rectangular device spins in the far corner of the room. Hanging from it are many chains and hooks. The hooks are covered in gore.

In the center of the room three CENOBITES stand and casually look around admiring their handy work.

The leader of the Cenobites is standing in the middle of the three. He is simply called PINHEAD; due to the numerous nails that have been hammered, each half way of their length, into his skull. His bald, pale-white, head is also covered in a cut grid that goes up over his skull and around the sides of his head. Each nail has been driven into an intersection of the grid. He is tall and skinny and is wearing skintight black leather, which covers all of his torso and down the full length of his arms. His lower half is clad in a flowing, floor length, black leather skirt. Dangling from his waist belt are few strange looking knives and a small saw.

To Pinhead’s left is the FEMALE CENOBITE. She stands almost as tall as Pinhead and is dressed similarly in black leather, but much sexier with cleavage practically leaping off of her chest, and at the floor the dress splits off like a grasping fingers. Her head is bald, her lips and around her eyes is a morbid light bluish-green, and her face is as pale white and ‘dead’ looking as Pinhead’s. She is beautiful and frightening at the same time. In the center of her long neck her skin is slit wide open and the flesh is pinned back into the sides of her neck, exposing the gore beneath.

The Cenobite on Pinhead’s left is dressed similarly as well, but he is very obese and looks just like an aged SCOTTY from Star Trek (Complete with graying comb-over and mustache). On his outfit he bears the triangular Star fleet insignia on his left man-boob, and his waist belt is plaid. He also keeps his fingers, constantly fidgeting, in two gaping wounds in his enormous belly.

PINHEAD (In deep Doug Bradly voice)
Ahhh…Another fortunate soul torn limb from limb while tasting the succulent delights of Hell’s most painful pleasures.

FEMALE CENOBITE (Sarcastically)
Don’t you mean yet another innocent old man with way too much money and time on his hands was having a good ol’ time trying to solve an enjoyable puzzle box. And then YOU came out of it and brutally tortured, maimed, dismembered and killed him?

PINHEAD (looking disapprovingly at the female Cenobite)
Quiet you…

Pinhead suddenly looks around the attic. He has a confused and puzzled look on his face.

PINHEAD
Hey wait a second…where did this old fools skin go?

SCOTTY CENOBITE
I’m not sure, Captain. It was here a minute ago.

All three Cenobites turn and look toward a partially closed door at the far end of the attic. Light is pouring out from behind the door.

The three Cenobites approach the door carefully.

Suddenly there is music coming from beyond the door:

“We are family. I’ve got all my sisters and me. We are family…”

The three Cenobites peek their heads into the doorway. Three Stooges style.

Pinhead on top, Female Cenobite below him, and the Scotty Cenobite on the bottom.

Smithers has Mr. Burns’ body skin in his arms and he is dancing and twirling around the room with it. Smithers is smiling ear to ear and looks as if he has never been happier.

PINHEAD
That’s just not right…

FEMALE CENOBITE
I’m scared. Let’s get back in the box.

SCOTTY CENOBITE

Aye. And please…one of yew gouge out me eyes!

Smithers is unaware as Pinhead approaches him.

Pinhead swipes the skin from his hands.

PINHEAD (angrily)
Give me that!

SMITHERS (Embarrassed)
Ummm… Please don’t say a word of this to Mr. Burns when you get back to Hell. It might be kind of…ummm…hard to convince him that I…uh…

PINHEAD (looking at Smithers with complete disdain)

Mhm…

Pinhead goes back into the attic and picks up the box.

He turns to the other Cenobites.

PINHEAD
Come, Cenobites, we leave for Hell.

SCOTTY CENOBITE
Aye, Captain!

Pinhead moves his finger around the box in a circular motion and the three Cenobites, along with every piece of Mr. Burns disappear into thin air.

Smithers is left standing in an empty room save for the Lament Configuration box at his feet.

Fade to black

EXT. Day. Springfield Mall entrance.

Bart and Lisa are walking away from the mall and across the parking lot.

LISA
Well, Bart, that did us a lot of good. A whole day wasted trying to agree on a present for Dad’s birthday.

BART
I told ya, Lisa, let’s just get Homer some donuts!

LISA (Frustrated)
Bart…I am NOT going to give dad donuts for his birthday.

BART
Okay, but I’ll bet ya a hundred dollars that Homer is all about the donuts.

LISA (Angry growl)
Mmmmmmm… Just leave the gift giving to me. Let’s go downtown and see what those shops have to offer.

EXT. Day. Downtown Springfield. Many shops line both sides of the street.

Bart and Lisa pass by a gun shop.

BART
How ‘bout a gun?

LISA
No!

The two kids continue down the sidewalk passing multiple shops.

BART
Power saw?

LISA
No!

BART
Krusty Watch?

LISA
No!

BART
Ferrari?

LISA
No!

BART
Pearl Necklace?

LISA
No!

The two kids stop in front of a long, dark alley.

BART
Oh come on, Lisa, pick something already!

LISA
Bart…I’m not just going to pick something for the sake of picking something. Dad’s gift has to be just right.

BART
Right-Shmite. Pick a damn present already.

STRANGER (Actually Smithers in disguise trying to alter his voice)

Pssst…Hey kids…

The two kids turn and see a dark stranger with a thick, dirty beard and wearing a large Fedora hat and long trench coat appears in the alley. The hat shades the man’s face from view.

STRANGER
I couldn’t help but overhear your argument. Can’t agree on a present, eh?

BART
No… My stupid sister is a moron.

LISA
Bart, I am NOT a moron, and yes…we are trying to find a present for dad.

STRANGER
I’ve got something I know he’ll love.

LISA
Thank you, but no… Come on Bart let’s get out of here.

BART (Looking at his sister with disdain)

Quiet you…The men are talking business.

LISA (Angry growl)
Mmmmmmm…

Bart walks quickly down the alley toward the stranger. Lisa, more than a little scared, follows behind.

BART
What ya got, sir?

STRANGER
This!

The stranger shows the two kids the box.

BART & LISA
WOW…

LISA
How much?

BART (Sarcastically)
What happened to ‘Let’s go, Bart?’

LISA
Quiet you…talking business.

BART (Angrily)

Mmmmm…

STRANGER
Well…ummm…the former owner paid a hundred thousand dollars for it.

BART
We’ll give you ten dollars for it.

STRANGER
Ummm…Did I mention he also paid his SOUL on top of that?

BART
Ten dollars…take it or leave it.

Bart grabs Lisa’s hand and begins to walk her away from the stranger.

STRANGER (Desperately)
Wait! Okay. Ten dollars.

BART
DEAL!

Bart hands over the ten dollars and the stranger hands over the box.

BART
Wow…thanks, dude!

The stranger bows slightly and turns to walk away.

Bart and Lisa turn away and leave the alley.

The stranger (Smithers) waits for the two kids disappear around the corner of the alleyway.

He takes off the beard and hat.

SMITHERS
Phew…thank goodness that’s over.

Lisa pops her head back around the corner.

LISA
Thanks again, Mr. Smithers!

SMITHERS
Doh!

INT: Simpson residence. Family room.

Homer is opening his birthday presents.

He opens the square one from Bart and Lisa and finds the puzzle box inside.

Homer is not quite sure what it is.

HOMER
What is it?

LISA
It’s a puzzle box, Dad.

HOMER
What’s inside of it?

BART
That’s for you to find out.

HOMER
Is there a magical donut inside?

LISA
No, dad, it’s just a puzzle box.

HOMER (Disappointed)

But I wanted a donut for my birthday…

BART

See Lisa…I told you!

Bart sticks his tongue out at his sister

LISA (Angrily growls)

Mmmmm…

Lisa turns back to her father

LISA
Okay, dad, there is a magical donut inside!

HOMER (Happy)

I knew it!

Homer starts trying to solve the box immediately

MARGE
Homer, how about you open your other present from me?

Marge points to what is obviously a big, round, donut wrapped in colorful birthday wrapping paper.

Homer ignores her.

HOMER
Can’t talk…solving.

MARGE (Angry growl)
Mmmmmmmm…

BART
Well…My job here is done. Knock yourself out, Homeboy!

Bart takes Lisa’s hand the two head upstairs.

BART
So Lisa, what do you think Homer’s reaction is gonna be when he solves the box and there is no magical donut inside?

LISA
Right, Bart, like dad is ever going to solve that puzzle box.

BART
HA! Oh yeah, good point! I remember when mom got Homer that Rubik’s Cube for Christmas and, not only did he never solve it, he even screwed up trying to cheat and re-stick the color squares back on. Now it just holds up one side of the couch.

Zoom in to see a multicolored (with some black ‘empty’ spaces) Rubik’s Cube holding up one side of the couch.

Fade to black

INT: Moe’s Tavern.

It is a slow day at Moe’s and Homer is the only patron in the joint. Moe stands behind the bar and across from Homer.

Homer is still trying to solve the box as he nurses his beer.

MOE
What’s that you’re working on there, Homer?

HOMER (never taking his eyes off of the box in his hands)
It’s a puzzle box with a magical donut inside.

MOE
Magical donut, eh? How long have you been trying to solve it?

HOMER
About a week.

MOE
Wow… why don’t ya give it a rest there, Homer. You drink less while you’re thinking. It’s bad for business.

HOMER (Kind of bummed)
Well, okay, but I’ve got to get home soon. I promised Marge I’d help paint Maggie’s room tonight.

MOE
Well why don’t you go home, paint the room real quick, and then come back. That way you can drink more later.

HOMER (Happy again)

You’re a genius, Moe!

MOE (False modesty)

Yea, That’s what I keep telling them!

Homer quickly runs out the door and heads for home, but forgets his puzzle box.

Moe notices the box as he goes to wipe the bar and take Homer’s glass.

MOE (Shouting toward the door)

Hey, Homer you forgot your…

Moe knows it is too late to catch Homer so he picks up the puzzle box and begins to examine it.

MOE
Hmmm…how hard could this thing be?

Moe starts fiddling with the box and, to his surprise, solves it in seconds.

MOE (Excitedly)

Hey…will ya look at that!

The box opens up and the chains come flying out.

Fade to black

Moe screams

INT: Moe’s tavern.

Homer comes running back into Moe’s.

As he enters he sees the three Cenobites (each one is cleaning the torn apart Moe up off of Moe’s floor, walls and ceiling.) Pinhead has a mop and water bucket, The Female Cenobite is on her knees and is using a scrub brush and the Scotty Cenobite walks out of the bathroom carrying a toilet plunger.

SCOTTY CENOBITE
Argh…That wing of the house is closed!

HOMER (Out of breath)

Hey, have any of you guys seen a puzzle box around here…Hey, what happened to Moe?

PINHEAD
Moe has had an experience in the outer reaches of pain.

HOMER
Hmm…Good for him. So, have you seen my puzzle box? Goldish thingy. Square.

PINHEAD
Moe solved the box…We came!

HOMER (Angry)

Hey, if Moe solved the box where is my donut?

PINHEAD
There is no donut, you idiot. Just a door to pleasures unbou…

HOMER
Yeah, yeah, yeah…just gimme back my box.

PINHEAD
The box has been opened…We came!

HOMER
Yeah, so you keep saying. So, can I have my box back now?

PINHEAD
You opened the box…We came!

HOMER
Well, technically, Moe opened it.

PINHEAD
Oh…right. Sorry. Here is the box. Open it, Homer Simpson.

HOMER
Alright. But there had better be magical donuts in it this time.

Pinhead just rolls his eyes in disgust.

Homer toys with the box, but, as usual, can’t get it open.

Pinhead is totally frustrated. His patience is worn thin.

PINHEAD
Here let me show you. Move your finger like that.

HOMER
Like this?

PINHEAD
Yes…Now like that.

HOMER
Like this?

PINHEAD
YES! Now just move your left finger there!

HOMER
Like this?

PINHEAD (Getting angrier)

No! Left you buffoon!

HOMER
Like this?

Pinhead is absolutely frustrated now and getting a headache as he watches Homer get it wrong again. He brings his fingers up to his temple.

PINHEAD
Your other left.

HOMER
Oh, right. Got it!

The puzzle box solved the light in the room dims, the walls splinter (light shines through the cracked, horizontal, wall beams), and a foggy mist permeates the air.

PINHEAD

There…Now your soul belongs to us, Homer J. Simpson.

HOMER

Okay, where’s my donut?

Pinhead looks at the other Cenobites, shrugs his shoulders, and then proceeds to lose control.

PINHEAD (Acting foolishly and exaggerated)

In Hell, Homer, the magical donuts are in Hell. Let me take you there and then you can have all of the donuts you desire! Big donuts, little donuts, donuts with sprinkles, donuts dipped in chocolate, chocolate chip, donuts with creamy rainbows inside. Donuts, donuts everywhere!

PINHEAD (after a dramatic pause)

Oh Homer…we have such donuts to show you!

HOMER

Oh, why didn’t you say so…

HOMER (in a whisper…to the female Cenobite standing next to him)

Jeez…Some people just like to hear themselves talk.

FEMALE CENOBITE (Rolling eyes)

Tell me about it…I have to spend an eternity with that.

Suddenly long strands of chains with hooks come flying out of nowhere and grab Homer by his face, belly, and feet.

Homer is hanging, suspended, in mid air by the hooks.

PINHEAD (Triumphantly)

You, like your father, are now…MINE!

HOMER

Hey, wasn’t that a line from Return of the Jedi?

PINHEAD

Huh? Wha…Oh… Yes. I keep forgetting I didn’t get that part.

Pinhead takes out a notepad and pen.

PINHEAD (Mumbling as he write)

Note to self: send the box to Ian McDiarmid for Christmas.

Pinhead puts the pen and pad away.

PINHEAD

Okay, Homer, prepare your soul to be torn apart.

The chains begin to pull and pull, but in the end they just seem to stretch Homer’s fat.

PINHEAD

Can’t this thing pull any harder?

SCOTTY CENOBITE (While trying to help pull the chains)

No, Captain. I’m giving her all of the power she’s got!

HOMER

It kinda tickles!

PINHEAD (Experiencing another headache and rubbing his temples)

Ghah… Shut up, Simpson.

Suddenly the door to Moe’s bursts open and Barney walks in.

BARNEY

Hey…**BURP**… What’s going on here?

PINHEAD

This is not for your eyes.

BARNEY

Oh, okay…Can I have a beer then?

Pinhead is losing it again

PINHEAD

Fine! Scotty… Get this simpleton a beer.

SCOTTY CENOBITE

Aye!

The two (Barney and the Scotty Cenobite) walk away toward the bar

BARNEY

Hey, that’s a real nice jacket. Leather?

SCOTTY CENOBITE

Why, yes it is. Thanks fer noticing.

Pinhead turns to face Homer.

PINHEAD

That’s it Simpson. I’ll have to tear you apart myself!

Pinhead removes one of the cutting knives from his belt

HOMER (Really scared for the first time)

DOH!

Suddenly the door bursts open once again.

This time it is Marge with Bart, Maggie and Lisa in tow.

MARGE (Angry)

Homie! You march your butt right home this instant! You promised to paint Maggie’s room tonight and you ARE going to do it, Mister!

HOMER

But Marge… My friends are here and they’ve promised me donuts. Magical donuts.

Bart and Lisa roll their eyes.

MARGE (Angrier still)

“Mmmmmm…You can spend time with your drinking buddies another time, Homer. You’ve got work to do at home and a promise to keep with your little girl.

PINHEAD (Angry and defensive)

We are not drinking buddies!

MARGE

Well what do you call that then?

Marge turns and points over to Barney and the Scotty Cenobite at the bar.

The two are leaning against each other and are completely drunk. They are singing an old Irish pub song and swinging their beer mugs around to the rhythm.

BARNEY and SCOTTY CENOBITE (Singing)

…And it's all for me grog, Me jolly, jolly grog, All for me beer and tobacco, For I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin…

PINHEAD

DOH!

PINHEAD

Look, Mrs. Simpson. Homer owns the box. Homer opened the box. Homer let us out, and now he is mine!

LISA

Dad solved the box?

BART

Yeah, like that would ever happen!

HOMER

Why you little!

Homer tries to choke Bart, but he is restricted by the chains and hooks, so he can only flail about foolishly while suspended in mid-air. This, of course, does not deter him from trying.

BART

Ha ha…Can’t get me.

Bart swipes Homer’s wallet.

BART

Yoink!

PINHEAD

Yes, little girl. Your father solved the box. Now his soul is mine!

LISA

But how could dad have solved the puzzle box? I had to show him how to tie his shoes again this morning.

Homer stops trying to get Bart and looks over to Lisa and Pinhead.

HOMER (Calmly)

The nail head guy showed me how to do it, Sweetie…I like learning things.

PINHEAD

See!

Pinhead sticks his tongue out at Lisa.

LISA

Wait if you helped Dad solve the box then that means you were not IN the box. And that means that you were already set free. And judging by all of the blood and guts splattered about Moe’s, assuring that this episode can never be aired without an NC-17 rating, I’d say you already have your puzzle solver. Moe!

Close up of Moe’s face (which is stretched out on the wall, his skin pinned up by nails)

MOE

Well…yeah, technically she’s got you there, pal.

Pinhead turns to look at Moe and, with a snap of his fingers, even more hooks and chains come out and sink into Moe’s face. They start to pull.

MOE

No…No! Not the nose. I just had plastic surgery to finally get it straightened out. NOOOoooooooo…

Pinhead turns to face Homer.

PINHEAD

Very well then. It seems, technically, that your daughter and Moe are correct. And since I’ve got a splitting headache…(dramatic pause) Come Cenobites! We leave for hell.

Pinhead quickly fiddles with the box and then goes quiet.

Maggie picks up the box and hands it to her father. She falls over with a loud THUD.

MARGE

Homer, I want you to take this box and get rid of it. Do you understand?

HOMER (Bummed)

Yes, dear. But I never did get my donuts.

Fade to Black

EXT: Day. Homer’s backyard.

Homer is digging a hole to bury the box in his back yard (Only one shovel full so far).

Ned Flanders sticks his head over the fence.

FLANDERS

What cha doo-diddly doing there, neighborino. Digging a hole?

HOMER

Hi, Stupid Flanders, I’m just burying this old puzzle box ‘cause MARGE doesn’t want me eating donuts.

FLANDERS

Hmmm…Puzzle box eh? I used to be a Rubik’s Cube champion in my younger days.

HOMER

You want it? Digging holes takes to long.

FLANDERS

Well sure! I’ll give it the ol’ Flanderino-puzzle-diddly-twist-a-diddlyis…

HOMER (Losing patience with Ned)

Yeah, yeah, whatever…Knock yourself out.

Homer flips the cube over the fence to Flanders then turns walks toward the house.

FLANDERS

Well thanks, Homer!

HOMER

And if you find any donuts in there…They’re MINE!

Homer slams the back door shut.

Flanders sits, cross-legged, on his grass and is trying to solve the box.

The box clicks.

FLANDERS

Oh…there it is! Easy…

The hooks and chains come flying out again.

FLANDERS

WHHHHAAAAAAaaaaaa!

Pinhead and the two other Cenobites are standing in front of Ned.

Ned hangs helplessly in the air.

PINHEAD

You opened the box. We came.

FLANDERS

Well…hi-diddly-hello, Demonino!

PINHEAD

We’ll tare your soul apart!

The hooks and chains start to tighten, ripping into Flanders’ flesh.

FLANDERS

Hey, ow! Those nails look painful, friend. Ow… Umm…Would you like to borrow my hammer to take care of them?

PINHEAD (Smiling at the kind gesture)

Why yes I would, thank you.

FLANDERS

Oh diddly-doo…I just remembered that Homer has my hammer. Sorry. Anything else I can get ya?

Pinhead resorts back into character.

PINHEAD

Very well then…Just your soul will have to do.

FLANDERS

Oh, Okily-Dokily.

Sounds of Flanders being ripped apart.

Pinhead reaches down and picks up the box.

PINHEAD

Come Cenobites, we leave this experience for all eternity. And I’m taking the box with us. Springfield is a fate worse than all of the imagined pains of Hell. And, my god, do I ever have a headache. Come!

SCOTTY CENOBITE

Aye, captain!

PINHEAD

I’m not your bloody captain, you idiot. Stop calling me that!

SCOTTY CENOBITE (Looking sad and dejected)

Aye.

The end…